Love and Lust in Lockdown

10 ways in which better sleep could be the best Valentine’s gift ever

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I have been thinking about relationships, sleep, and sex. This has been a tough year. Many people are stressed, sleeping less, and having less sex, even when they live together. In the words of Dr. Lehmiller, the lead researcher in a a recent Kinsey report “..they don’t feel desire to do it right now. They’re too stressed and lonely and have too many other concerns to deal with.” Sex is often the glue that holds relationships together, and this matters.

 There are many things that contribute to our stress that we can’t change.  We can, I think, change our sleep, and if we slept better, we’d be more resilient to stress, and enjoy better sex. Sleep is sexy. Here’s how

1 Attraction

Sleep poorly, and we are less attractive. It doesn’t take much — a 2017 study compared perceptions of a group of 18–47 yr olds from Stockholm University using photographs taken after unrestricted sleep (average 7 ½ hours) and two nights of restricted sleep (just 4 hours). The same people were perceived as less attractive, less healthy, and others were less likely to want to socialise with them after a short night. There’s a reason it’s called “beauty sleep”.

2 Libido

In men, poor sleep is linked to more unsolicited sexual arousal —more erections, a stronger response to porn. But not sex, either masturbatory or with a partner. It is also linked to erectile dysfunction, and less sexual satisfaction for both genders. In women, libido increases strongly with good sleep - just one hour’s extra sleep and sexual activity rose by 14%.

3 Hormones

If you want to maximise your sex hormones, increase your vigour and fertility, sleep. When we are sleep deprived our cortisol level rises, and our sex hormones, including testosterone, oestrogen, and progesterone, drop. After a week of short nights, testosterone levels in a group of young men (average age 24) dropped as if they had aged 10 – 15 years. Low testosterone affects libido, sperm production, energy, body mass and fat distribution and is linked to the development of sleep apnoea in both men and women.  

 In women, hormonal imbalances caused by sleep deprivation worsen menopause symptoms. Good quality sleep is essential for repair and rejuvenation.

4 Sexual confidence

When we are sleep deprived our brain goes into survival mode. The amygdala, which controls our immediate emotional reactions, is triggered. We experience heightened fear. We can’t relax or be creative. In that state of mind we can’t trust ourselves or our partner.  Rewarding creative loving sex is impossible.

5 Orgasm

It is hard to reach orgasm if we can’t relax our mind, or empty it of other concerns. That is difficult if we are sleep-deprived and stressed. A sleep-deprived person may find it impossible to let go, and unless we are able to trust and relax fully, a full range of orgasmic experience isn’t possible. We may be able to experience orgasm through direct stimulation of sexual organs, but are less likely to be able to experience deep orgasm.

6 Vaginal lubrication.

Vaginal lubrication is a key component of pleasurable, pain-free sex. Women who get more sleep report better genital arousal and vaginal lubrication versus women with lower average sleep duration. 

7 Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

Good lovers listen to their partner, respond, and learn. To do that, we need REM sleep, the kind of sleep which comes in the latter hours of the night, when we process and make sense of our experiences, and learn. Too short sleep impairs our emotional intelligence – we don’t get the reset that we need for emotional well-being, and carry on making the same mistakes.  And who else suffers? Those closest to us.

8 Potency

There is a strong link between poor sleep and erectile dysfunction. A study of men with sleep apnoea found that when their sleep improved, erectile dysfunction occurred less and their sex life benefitted.

9  Gratitude and Appreciation

If you have gone to a lot of effort to enhance your partner’s experiences, you want them to appreciate it, right? If they are tired, they might not.. Studies at the University of California showed that people tend to feel less grateful toward their romantic partners if either person sleeps poorly. “Poor sleep is not just experienced in isolation,” says lead researcher Amie Gordon “Instead, it influences our interactions with others, such as our ability to be grateful.”

10 Laughing at each other’s jokes

Number one reason for attraction? “He /she makes me laugh”. Yet our sense of humour fluctuates depending on whether or not we slept well. Appreciating verbal humour requires high-level cognition, and a lack of sleep inhibits this.

11 Staying together

 The major reason for couples sleeping in separate beds is that one of them sleeps poorly. Separate beds can add spice to a relationship, but can also presage separation in other ways. It’s a shame if separation is forced by poor sleep, rather than a choice made by partners.

According to the recent Kinsey report  some of us have bucked the less-sex trend. 14% of respondents  reported that their sex life had improved, and 23% said that their relationship was better too. According to Dr. Lehmiller “the people who are being the most experimental are the ones most likely to report that their sex life has improved during quarantine.” Those people have one thing in common – they sleep well.

Anna McKay 2020

Photo Joey Nicotra Upsplash

References

1 https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01490400.2020.1774016  Less Sex, but More Sexual Diversity: Changes in Sexual Behavior during the COVID-19 Coronavirus Pandemic

2https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/full/10.1098/rsos.160918 Negative effects of restricted sleep on facial appearance and social appeal

3 http://auanet.mediaroom.com/2018-05-20-Research-Connects-Poor-Sleep-Quality-and-Nocturia-with-Erectile-Dysfunction-Low-Testosterone-and-Increased-Risk-of-Death Research Connects Poor Sleep Quality and Nocturia with Erectile Dysfunction, Low Testosterone and Increased Risk of Death

4 https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/05/110531162142.htm Sleep loss dramatically lowers testosterone in healthy young men

5 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5760048/ Subjective sleep quality, unstimulated sexual arousal, and sexual frequency

6 https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jsm.12858 The Impact of Sleep on Female Sexual Response and Behavior

7 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19570042/ Sleep apnea is an independent correlate of erectile and sexual dysfunction

8 https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2013-01/uoc — psc011713.phpPoor sleep can leave romantic partners feeling unappreciated

9 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1948550613488952 The Role of Sleep in Interpersonal Conflict Amie M. Gordon, Serena Chen

10 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16796223 The effects of caffeine, dextroamphetamine, and modafinil on humor appreciation during sleep deprivation. Killgore WD1, McBride SA, Killgore DB, Balkin